And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I did not marry a roomba.
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