Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
