Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
