I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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