I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I smell like Dick and happiness
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
