you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
