apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
