ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
