Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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