She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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