get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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