I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
