those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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