I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
