Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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