Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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