It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
