Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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