My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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