I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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