It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
