Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
