fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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