Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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