Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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