You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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