I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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