At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
