my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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