he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
