we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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