put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
