the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
