hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
