He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
