I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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