I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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