I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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