I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
