You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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