There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
