you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This is my gift to your gina
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
