why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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