Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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