Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
