woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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