the condom got lost in my hair
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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