I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
