I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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