my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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