I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
