She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
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the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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