last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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