so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
