Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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