Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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