dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I touched a dick in church today
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
