At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
